Hillary in the Heartland

The former first lady announced to the DLC she "had taken a new position with the group aimed at winning back heartland voters." I don't see the new position in her rhetoric but maybe she has new talking points coming soon.

Hillary: Read the Black Commentator, using the search function you will see that the DLC is not a good club to be aligned with. Oh, wait. She's reaching out to the white heartland folks that the DLC believes it lost. That changes everything. Is she going to win back the educated upper class white conservative vote or aiming for the lower/working class conservative base, or both? No matter, the only difference is an extra zero on their tax return and an extra Sunday at church.

My advice Hillary, for a platform on getting some of those heartland man votes, is go for the grandma image. Heartland men have a special relationship with grandma, or maybe great grandmother, as here in the Heartland grandmothers are often in their 30s so one might have to go to great grandma to find the older maternal appearance I'm talking about. Think of it as "winning back" a Jerry Springer audience who will cheer for grandma Hillary, but without the sex and voyeurism.

And hon you gotta have bigger hair, preferably red or red highlights, and more rouge, to catch the heartland man vote. God, how to be a voluptuous but unsexy grandma. Maybe a sort of elderly Zsa Zsa grannie. You'll need a Dodge extended cab truck with personalized mudflaps, and a couple of decals, a deer and a little boy peeing. The inside should smell like Avon's Topaze cologne, which was discontinued years ago but grandma has all those samples from when she was a saleslady. The heartland man likes his grannie with a truck; it's backup when he wrecks his. (He's been told only grandma and God look out for drunks and fools.)

Start now assuring the heartland man your favorite foods are Budweiser and pork skins while watching WWE, and that you've dreamed of meeting Nash and The Legend. You might mention too that although you're against sex in video games, you weren't outrageously offended by Torrie and Sable locking lips on PPV smackdown, but kind of shake your head and blush because you're supposed to be a grannie and the heartland man's grandma would tsk-tsk at such scenes. It's a fine line Hillary. You gotta be the heartland man's stern, sexless mam-maw babe who winks at her grandson's lasciviousness although grandma herself is not lewd, well not often anyway.

Assure the heartland man that you are compassionate and understand his bad back disk disease keeps him from working and it's only right his woman take two jobs to help supplement his SSI check. Even though his chronic pain keeps him from minding the kids he still has the right to deer hunt and fish because tramping through woods dressed in gear and gun relaxes some of that pain, plus the methadone and Oxycontin (promise to keep him in prescriptions). If you win back this man's vote his woman will follow; heartland women stand by their men (you have experience in that area). When you make campaign promises - try to look coy but not weak. You can affect this by looking him dead in the eye and batting your lashes like a frog in a hailstorm, then nod your head and smile slightly. The heartland man mistakes this for sincerity in women.

You'll have to remember all those downhome phrases you learned when you and Bill lived in Little Rock, and insert them in stump speeches. Like "more votes than you can shake a stick at" or "campaigning is more fun than watchin' a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest." You could throw in some mispronunciation and misspeak; it worked for Bush. For instance: A fool and his vote are soon punished. It won't make sense to him but that doesn't matter, it sounds wise as grandma's proverbs. Substitute 'crost' as in crossed the line, 'winder' for window of opportunity. Drawl and twang a little.

When you smile or chuckle, slap your thigh or the podium or the back of anyone near you as that's a sign of friendly camaraderie, but don't use the word 'camaraderie', too foreign sounding for the heartland man; substitute with the word 'fellowship' as he's heard that word from grandma's church ladies, when he feels guilty enough to attend church. And if you can use guilt with skill, I'm sure you can, that's the best tactic with this guy.

Yes ma'am, if you can make the heartland man feel guilty, then you got his vote. Drag all the little ladies with thinning hair and osteoporosis on stage with you. Blur the line between you and grandma. Make him feel a vote for the opposition is a vote against the grandma who raised him, the grandma who still babies him, slips him money, bails him out of trouble, and maybe raising one or two of his teenage kids. Make him feel a vote for the opposition is against grandma (you) and God, the only two people who ever looked out for him.