Fatty R Buttocks

According to a Chicago Tribune headline the "Southern waistlines are expanding the fastest." I'll agree to that, along with other notes I've made on the Heartland. After many years in metro areas of the North and West US and abroad, where fitness was taken seriously, the lack of fitness was one of many culture shocks in relocating to the Heartland a few years ago.

Not only did we experience a higher level of bigotry that exists in the good-ol'-boy-bible-belt, we found a culture of folks where gossip is a natural instinct, where urban legends are born and nurtured, and get rich quick is the most admired ideology. The Heartland is the target market for late-night infomercial real estate how-to and pyramid dreams; ordering all of it is proof of ambition. I'm certain of this as the books and DVDs are on display in many homes; and don't be surprised if someone shows you the latest offer they bought and asks you to explain it to them.

The Heartland is where my adult children were introduced to chitlins (I'd been culturally amiss with this cuisine). One introduction was enough. For a while I believed one could only survive the swamp humidity levels here by evolving with gills. The environmental damage of leveling woods for big farming has created a bird problem that would shame Hitchcock. These birds now roost in every yard with a tree or clothesline. Watch your step took on new meaning. There's a truck that drives through late at night blasting the sound of cannon fire to scare the birds out of town. These drive-by shootings just move the birds a few blocks for a few hours. We were shocked at the lack of concern for the environment in the Heartland. Folks here think "don't litter" is what the 4-legged bitch has every few months which they don't want and will tie in a bag and throw in the pond.

But our biggest, and continuing shock, is the number of obese. Shopping, church, offices, everywhere, it's a parking lot of human flesh. Asses as big as the backend of 1968 Volkswagons (literally), laboring and gasping like doodlebugs in stretch pants. It truly is amazing. Similar to seeing the Grand Canyon or Rocky Mountains, but without reverence. Awe inspiring in how anyone can get that big without assistance from something outside the universe.

We can blame obesity on chemicals in our food, sweetners in colas, steroids in meat. But it still boils down (pun intended) to food choices, portion size and exercise. It's sitting on those big buttocks eating fatty hamhocks and the only calories burned are in search of excuses. Telling everyone it's the thyroid (always treatable but a die-hard excuse dies hard).

But I note a pattern here in the Heartland. Folks eating a lone salad with a dab of low-fat dressing and a Diet Pepsi in a cup the size of a bucket. It may impress co-workers how serious a person is about shedding those extra 80+ pounds, and whose to know you pull a chair to the fridge when you get home, after driving through McD for a couple of whoppers w/cheese, to hold you over on the ride. Eating until the belly is full as a deer tick, falling asleep to the tube, and digesting as slow as a snoring winter bear.

Bicycling, hiking, rollerblading, tennis : not done here by anyone over 12. Too hot, too humid. And most folks too fat, indoors with the AC on 50 and a bucket of KFC. Not a lot of home cooking down home anymore. Folks here prefer chunks of fried meat and fried potatoes at every meal, especially if in a wrapper or box and delivered or picked up. With lots of cream, sauce, and biscuits. The broiler is for storing those never used bundt pans and jello molds. If it ain't fried it ain't cooked. If it ain't dipped, breaded, and dripping with grease it's sissy food. And there's no shame in having to use the scales at the truck stop before a physical to get a weight for the doctor.

I predicted after witnessing the scale of heft in the Heartland that the government will eventually step in. As with guns, smoking, drinking, education, speedo, etc. we the people will need nanny government to count our calories, perhaps levying heavy fines as incentive to "make skinny choices." Maybe "government health camps" will be instituted, for our own good of course. The down side is suicide by eating. An early death and suffering from obesity related disease. On the plus side (pun intended) it will keep your butt out of any military obligation.